In a humble little home outside Newton, the radio blared a message from one of the major stations through the living room in which Mr. Wingate smoked a pipe and relaxed with his wholesome family.
"Ladies and Gentlemen all over the United States of America, we have stunning news sure to get ever more interesting as further bulletins come in. It seems a fleet of flying saucers, reportedly numbering in the hundreds, have appeared over New York City. I can see them now from our news van and I can assure you they are holding place above the proud towers of steel and concrete that make up what we call the Big Apple.
"They are shades of gray with illuminated green markings on them and—just one moment...they are coming down! Ladies and Gentlemen this is astonishing; the craft which appeared in the sky just half an hour ago are descending. My God, one is touching down just down the road fromw here I now stand!
"The doors are opening—or, it looks to be a door. Yes, it's a door. A ramp has come down and there is a shape in the light above it. My God, an alien life form—a man who is surely from another world is coming out of the saucer! He's tall and blue and he has many arms. One moment...
"Is that a gun? Oh no, hang on a moment. Please sir, we aren't going to harm you. Put down the weapon, sir. I—"
There was a great zapping sound and a violent screech that surely signified the death of the reporter, and then the radio signal cut out completely. Mr. Wingate took his pipe out of his mouth and stood to assume the proud pose of MacArthur.
"Donny my boy, fetch the rifles. Mary, Betty, go into the storm cellar. I'm going to call the Hendersons and see to it they come here. No sense in not staying together if there's a war about to flare up again."
"A war, daddy?"
"Yes, a war Betty. I'm afraid there's no two ways about it. Any aliens that hover over New York uninvited and zap a defenseless reporter are going to start a war. I bet you they've got the communists in on whatever their plan is. Now get to shelter, dear. We've been preparing for this ever since I got back from Iwo Jima with a piece of steel in my leg—we're not going to get caught with our pants down."
So it was that the humble family from a humble home outside humble Newton found themselves totally ready for the alien invasion when it became a widespread campaign to eradicate the American people. But like all good citizens of our great nation, their defenses were meager and their chances of survival slim. They dug in their heels with other families—the Hendersons, the Smiths, the Kings, and the Zimmermans. And armed with shotguns, rifles, and a resolve to protect their families and their freedoms from the Bolshevik invaders, the humble families began to fight off alien incursion after alien incursion.
The first battle was an experience to which Mr. Wingate's experiences on Saipan and Peleliu paled in comparison. From every side collectivist monsters from a Red world out there in the stars swarmed the family farm. Godless creatures without a sense of individual pride died in droves, but their numbers nearly overtook the family farm defenses as Nip hordes had nearly overtaken Wingate's battalion on Iwo. At close range the men blasted wave after wave of alien, until finally they were firing revolvers and chucking pitchforks like tridents at the last onslaught. Terrified by American resolve, this first attack retreated.
It was not to be the last assault. While the Hendersons were off to get supplies from Dr. Martin's supermarket, which was defended by several other families, the saucers descended once more. They fired lasers that vaporized poor Mrs. Jensen, the old negro from down the way. Amoral demons with no concept of freedom or ethics hopped out of their ships like kraut paratroopers had out of planes onto the weak nations of Europe. And like the Nazi murderers, they had to be blasted out of their drop zones by patriotic Americans.
Like all Bolsheviks, the aliens were sneaky and slimy. Using English-speaking Soviets they infiltrated the farm. Were it not for these spies, who had injured themselves just for the sake of looking more pathetic, refusing to say grace and singing the internationale in the shower, it is very much likely they could have cracked the bastion of democracy. But they were caught, along with their plans to kidnap and rape those defenseless American women who busily worked to feed their troops.
All over the United States these kinds of battles and seiges took place—the aliens used whatever Stalinist tactics they could and in many cases overran fortresses held by true patriots. In the end, however, through the resolve of men like Mr. Wingate, the brilliance of business leaders such as Dr. Martin, and the love of women like Mary and Betty, the American people won the war.
They won this fight so that our soldiers, sailors, and airmen captured saucers and took this war to Soviet and extraterrestrial soil. They won so that goods like Apple Pies would never be replaced with the gruel force-fed to Soviet children. They won so negros could one day marry white women, and so that the children of America would forever salute the stars and stripes at school and pray to the Lord on Sunday mornings.
Today the American federation controls nearly a quarter of the galaxy, but there are still threats out there. Bolshevik aliens whose technology is greater than that which we inherited from our invaders, aliens who would wish to destroy our rights, freedoms, and family values still remain. For this reason we must remain forever vigilant, forever ready to fight back against the perverse forces of Godless communism, alien sexual deviance, and any signs of un-American activities taking place in our wonderful and free union of planets.